Congratulations! You’re (not) Pregnant!

Pregnant...not loving it!

This is me, pregnant in 2013. I’m literally re-enacting a ‘beached whale’ scenario. Note that I’m not glowing, or drinking wine, or eating soft cheese.

Ever since Violet was born, I’ve been excited about having more kids. Now that she’s all toddler-y and not my squishy baby anymore, it’s gotten worse. So much so that I’m now ready for a fresh one! Hoorah! Right? Actually…no.

When I told Trav I was ready for another baby his head ‘literally’ spun on it’s axis.  He wasn’t ready…and he wasn’t sure he could ever go through that again…you know, cos child birth is just so painful and difficult for men! (Don’t go there boyfriend!!!). Being the wonderful wife that I am, I promised I’d support him and take on the majority of the pregnancy so that he didn’t have to stress, and eventually he relented and agreed that it was time to expand our brood.

So that was it. We’d decided to have another baby! But it turns out that it can take a while to get pregga’s! (not our experience with Violet, she was a Honeymoon baby: One of the dangers of too much rum in the Caribbean). So anyways, the more time I had to think about it, the more I realised that maybe in the meantime there were some benefits to not being pregnant that I hadn’t really considered!

Since I’d only stopped breast-feeding Violet a few months ago, it occurred to me that this is the first time in the last two years or so that I’ve been able to enjoy all the things that I’d given up whilst pregnant/breastfeeding.  So instead of feeling sorry for myself, I’ve decided to change my tune and try to really make the most of all those things that I’ve been missing out on.

Even Kim Kardashian wasn't safe from the attack of sausage toes!

Even Kim Kardashian wasn’t safe from the attack of sausage toes!

So here’s my list of reasons why I’m ok with not being pregnant right now:

Reason’s to rejoice that you’re NOT Pregnant!

  1. You can eat soft cheeses.  Brie, Camembert…you know, the good stuff! This was potentially the thing I missed most when I was pregnant.
  2. If you get a cold, you can take cold and flu tablets! I feel like I had at least 3 colds while I was pregnant, and it was HELL! No amount of tea, or lemon, or honey makes you feel better! You need drugs and maybe some chicken soup. (But mostly drugs).
  3. You can get a massage any ol’ time you want.  Seems ironic that when your body is at its most uncomfortable, that it’s near impossible to get a massage! Yes, there are places that do pregnancy massage it, but even if find somewhere that does, the odds are against you enjoying it: Your boobs hurt, you need to pee, you can’t get comfortable, you need to pee again….Mmmm I’m so relaxed!
  4. You can go on roller coasters. Ok, this one is just because I like to have the freedom to visit a theme park if I want to, and be able to enjoy all that it has to offer! Pregnant? Great, you can everyone’s stuff while they have the time of their lives.
  5. You can drink the good stuff. Have a big ol’ glass of wine/beer/vodka/goon because even if you’re not a big drinker, you’ll miss it! I used to walk around smelling people’s drinks when I was pregnant. Sad. but true…! And I’m not even a daily drinker!
  6. You can inject caffeine into your eyeballs if you feel like it.  I was never a big coffee drinker but it’s pretty much all I wanted once I knew I couldn’t have it. These days, it’s a necessary evil that counteracts the sleep deprived stupor that I’m often in. I know the next pregnancy will be tough without my daily fix!
  7. You can go out in public without fear of vomiting.  I famously threw up at a bus stop during peak hour when I was pregnant.  It was witnessed by about 30 other commuters waiting at the bus stop, and another 3 bus loads of people who were also watching on in horror.  I managed to catch most of it in a shopping bag, but let’s just say I did not catch the bus that day. Or ever again!
  8. When you sneeze, you don’t wet yourself. Enough said really.
  9. When you laugh, you don’t wet yourself. Nothing funny about weeing your pants people!
  10. You can wear normal clothing and not have to wrap yourself in a tarpaulin and pretend that you love said tarpaulin and would totally wear it even if you weren’t pregnant (You wouldn’t).
  11. You can bleach your hair, remove your nail polish with acetone, and have scaldingly hot baths, and not be in a constant state of terror that you’re harming your unborn child.
  12. You can endure the smell of cooking meat. In fact, you can endure the smell of just about anything! Yippee!
  13. You can stay awake during the day I had a micro-nap during a work meeting once. It wasn’t awkward until I woke up. No one said a word.
  14. You can watch a movie without crying. Not just a sad movie, but Despicable Me 2! (I bawled through the whole thing)
  15. You can wear a nice, normal bra instead of a heavy-duty double hammock that creaks under the strain.
  16. You can exercise (apparently you can still exercise whilst pregnant, but seriously…as if)
  17. You can eat a packet of Twisties (or other junk-food snack of choice) and not worry that your baby will turn into a mutant from all the colours/preservatives/god knows what else (To be fair, by the end of the pregnancy my desire for Twists over-rode that fear). And they were delicious!
  18. You can enjoy Christmas. Straight up: Christmas whilst pregnant is the worst. You can’t eat fresh ham off the bone, you can’t eat left-overs for fear of food-poisoning, you can’t drink….Oh, and anything delicious that you can eat will most likely give you heart burn for days. Also, there will be photo’s of you dressed in some god-awful sack and a santa hat for you to look back on and remember how shit you looked/felt. Merry Christmas!
  19. Being able to sleep on your back, front and your right side! 
  20. Being able to sleep….FULL STOP! 
  21. Strangers don’t feel the need to grope your belly in public whilst looking you in the eyes and saying things like ‘You’re looking radiant!’. Shut the fuck up. I’m not looking radiant, I’m just looking flushed from vomiting all morning!
  22. Strangers won’t ask you annoying questions like ‘How far along are you?’ ‘Do you know the sex?’ ‘Is this your first?’ ‘Were you always this fat?’.
  23. Your ankles don’t look like tree trunks.
  24. Your shoes fit. Nothing like having swollen sausages instead of toes poking out the end of your sandals. How sexy!
  25. You don’t have to push a baby out of your Vagina in 9 months. No explanation needed!

pregnancy-tips-book-symptoms

So there you have it! 25 reasons why I’m stoked to be me right now! I plan to make the most of the many perks that non-pregnancy brings whilst I can. I mean, who knows how long it will be before I morph back into that vomiting, demon-possessed chick from the Exorcist that I become whilst I’m pregnant?!

That’s my list….Now tell me: What would you add?

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7 thoughts on “Congratulations! You’re (not) Pregnant!

  1. Haha, great list! I’m certainly with you when it comes to not enjoying Christmas as much, the christmas just gone was my first christmas/new year since 09/10 that I wasn’t pregnant… and even though I was still breastfeeding, I MORE than made up for it!
    I have to admit although I’ve done a good job working through the complete list of pregnancy complications, the trade off is I don’t experience morning sickness/heartburn and other common issues.
    As crazy as it sounds, I’d also love to have another baby and can relate to how you’re feeling… I suggest we make the most of our non pregnant states and catch up for a drink/soft cheese gorge fest sometime soon 🙂

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  2. I had a therapeutic massage yesterday. Nothing ruins the vibe when you have to get on all fours to remove the enormous belly pillow you are laying on (but how good are those!!), then manoeuvre yourself around with all the grace of a baby elephant without falling off the table. Everyone gets all delicate on pregnant women. All I want it to someone to rub the crap out of my butt cheeks!! Is that to much to ask!?!

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  3. That made me laugh. It’s been 25 years since my last pregnancy but I still remember all of those things like it was yesterday (except nobody told us not to eat soft cheeses back then-or anything for that matter) I worked in an office next to a guy who chain smoked. Gah! I threw up in my bin in front of work colleagues and kept a plastic bag with me at all times at the bus. I once had to miss an event because my feet were so swollen I couldn’t put my shoes on. I wouldn’t change any of it but I don’t think I ever glowed. Enjoy this phase and then the next when it happens. Great post honey.

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  4. Brilliant! Except, I’ve got to say – number 8 and 9? Sadly, after birthing the child, my ability to sneeze/ laugh/ jump without a teeny bit of wee has disappeared :/

    But I certainly don’t miss the morning sickness – which I had for the WHOLE pregnancy. Trying to read the news, live on-air while trying to hold the vom down was a challenge. Nothing sexier than hearing someone dry-heave on the radio as you drive to work in the morning. Sorry Canberra!

    P.S Yay that you’ve convinced the husband to go round two! I’m still in negotiations….

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