Dear Mr Toothy Peg,
Hello! How are you? I do hope you’re well!
Allow me to introduce myself, I’m Marney, Violets Mum. You know Violet – she’s the kid with all the gums that you’ve been working on lately. I hope you don’t mind me contacting you like this, it’s just that, well….we need to talk.
This might seem a bit out of the blue for you because it’s been months since we originally made your acquaintance. If I remember correctly, two of your baby teeth popped up in Violet’s gums when she was about 8 months old? (Sorry, I can’t remember exactly when, as I haven’t slept in 15 months). Anyways, I think its high-time we sat down together and discussed the big ol’ elephant in the room (Or to be more on-topic: the big ol’ elephant with no tusks!).
You see, it’s like this Mr Toothy Peg: You’re kinda ruining our lives.
Don’t get me wrong, those two little baby teeth you’ve planted in the bottom gum are all kinds of cute, and are still a source of amusement when Violet uses them to break her arrowroot biscuits in half with a loud, satisfying *SNAP*! But to be honest, we’ve kind of moved on since then. We over it!
I mean….it’s been more than 6 months of suffering and we’ve only just scraped the surface with those massive top fangs, which, to be quite honest, just seem to dragging their arses. They’ve been sitting there for weeks, shoulders slumped, bored expressions on their faces, lazily hanging out just outside of her top gum, mocking us.
I know this must be awkward, but I’m just going to come right out and say it. What the hell kind of game are you playing at? I mean, despite the weeks and months of pain, fever, snot, drool, restlessness and a whole lotta surprises ‘downstairs’ (fellow parents know what I’m saying), I feel that we’re not getting anywhere! Are you seriously that sadistic? Do you enjoy seeing us all suffer and turn on each other?
I know that you’re a necessary evil and all, but my biggest gripe is that you consistently over-promise and under-deliver! Seriously! We’ve gone out of our way to prepare for each of your new babies arrivals. I’ve bought 2 different brands of teething gel. I’ve bought teething tablets which Violet now things are a treat, like a tiny tic-tac offering several times a day (If you haven’t tried Hylands teething tablets – I can totally recommend them). So why is it, Mr Toothy Peg, that I’m now the biggest shareholder in baby Nurofen? And for what? You still manage to ruin our days/night regardless of those precious 2mls every 6 hours!!!!
Hmm….what’s that, Mr Toothy Peg? Have I tried those amber teething necklaces/bracelets/dreamcatchers or whatever else you’re pushing onto us poor unsuspecting mothers? Why no! I haven’t! …Why not, you ask? Oh, I’ll tell you why not. Because my days (and nights) are currently ugly enough without some brown, hippy string of amber hanging from my childs throat/arm/ankle! But thanks for asking! (Sorry – I feel pretty strongly about the look of those amber teething products, despite people raving about their benefits, they’re so ugly! but I promise won’t judge you if you use them religiously. To your face anyway).
Now I know that during the last few weeks you’ve made some effort to push those top two fangs-extraordinaire through V’s tender little gums, and I’m sure once they’re more than 2 millimetres through they will look absolutely splendid. But seriously: How longs it gonna take for them to be somewhat useful for chewing food and all?
Alright…..ok….I get it. My hostility isn’t going to make you grow your baby teeth any faster. But if there’s any way you can hurry it along, I’d really appreciate it. I’m sure Violet will be eternally grateful, and so will her Peppa Pig pram who’s currently bearing the brunt of her frustrations.
Cheers and all the best,